It's getting real

不知道我是不是慢半拍，到昨晚睡前看到政府发的邮件才对于要离开新加坡感到有些伤感。

政府的邮件通知我的工作签证被取消了，我可以继续在新加坡合法停留89天。

离开新加坡的倒计时正式开始了。

2021年决定搬来新加坡，有很多原因。对于美国生活的不满和厌倦；家庭的考量；对于回中国生活的恐惧和抗拒；想要尝试在亚洲做一次majority的体验。最重要的是我想要体验，我想要我的人生有尽可能多的体验，我想要在不同的地方生活。

之前的想法是在新加坡生活一段时间作为缓冲后，我就会回到中国生活。

但是这一年的生活彻底改变了我的想法。

我非常清晰强烈地抗拒回到中国生活，虽然我姐觉得我从来没有作为一个独立的成年人在中国生活过，一切的想法都只是在我的脑子里，我还是不愿意冒险。

我第一次真正感受到了人要为自己而活，让自己过得快乐是一切事情的先决条件。我终于可以摆脱很多的束缚，做出自己的选择。Good or bad, it's what I think works the best for myself.

It's been a wonderful year. I've had so many great memories and made so many really sweet and wonderful friends. I'm really sad to leave all these behind. It's not my first time to pack up everything and just leave, but it will be the most difficult one.

I was so used to say "有缘再见" to people I met before Singapore because it was true. I often imagined that next time we meet, maybe we'll be in our 60s and we'll look back and smile about this specific moment.

Things are different for me in Singapore. Every time I said "明天见" to my friends, I felt so grateful that we are a part of each other's lives. It felt so good that I felt sad and already started to mourn the future when I eventually lose them, lose us.

What's next for me would be the most difficult decision I'm going to make. It's the first time in my life that I am going to make a decision that's 100% mine. Not for my family, not for money, not for "trying to be cool". When everything else doesn't matter anymore, I need to finally listen to myself and decide what I want.

After I had finally made some difficult decisions and had some peace, now this. Life is just crisis after crisis, or rather, crisis and crisis and crisis, concurrently, all at once. 🥹

我也不知道我在写什么了。三个月后的我就会知道我想要什么，要去哪里的吧。